I will always love her, no matter what happens. Despite the fact that we were only together for a few days; officially as man and wife, I know that I will always miss her. I will tend to her grave every day; I will put fresh flowers every week. No matter what happens, I will miss her until the end of time despite the fact that she is probably looking down on me.
I first met here three years ago at a café; I was with friends when she entered and when she did, my god, I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen; I still think that even today.
After gazing at her for what seemed like an eternity- naturally imaging us re-enacting out that famous scene in From Here to Eternity- I gathered up my strength and I went over to here and started a conversation.
“Excuse me, but can I buy you a drink?” I asked, coming up to her.
“Sure, why not? I’m Debbie Hayes, by the way. And you are?” Debbie enquired.
“I’m Darren James.” I replied, ordering the drinks and we went to a table in the corner of the café, a position which enabled us to see the movements of everyone else.
“The truth is Debbie, and I hope you are single, I brought you a drink because the moment you walked in here, I could not get my breath back. You indeed, define the words ‘beautiful goddess’.” I said, nervously wondering what her response would be.
“Why, Darren that is the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. For the record, I’m not single.” She said, as the drinks arrived.
“Oh, I’m sorry” Feeling embarrassed for having fallen for a person already taken.
“Don’t be” she said, taking a sip of her espresso. “That person is you.”
I almost fell of my chair at that last statement, feeling so lucky that she had an answered that unasked question which I longed to ask her, but politely never did.
I never thought that from that moment when we became instant sole mates, that I would have to face the hideous task of writing a eulogy and bury the person that I loved so much.
But then again life is a bitch, which doesn’t always go to plan.
“Guess what honey?” I asked excitedly, over a dinner of pasta.
“I don’t know. You got a crack, sack and back wax?” Deb asked, taking the mickey out of me.
“In honour of our 1st anniversary, I got us tickets to go to London.” I said.
Deb screamed at this piece of news, she had always wanted to go to London and I thought, why not? I felt that I had known her for ages.
She came over and gave a big hug and a big, sloppy kiss which was her usual style. I was glad for her affection; whenever I felt down and she gave me a hug and a kiss, it always made me feel better.
Standing up at the podium, I looked down at my speech already typed up and then looked back up at the crowd in the church. There was no room vacant and the church could fit around 400 people.
“Deb was a person full of life. Ever since I met her, she always made me smile and feel better when I was feeling down. That was one of main attributes, her affection for others.”
I started crying again and had to stop, the looks of sadness on peoples face really got to me, not to mention the flowers on her coffin- her brightly coloured coffin I might add.
When we got to London, we instantly hit the shops after unpacking at the hotel. No surprise, we spent at least four hours in Harrods, with Deb spending up on bright and out there coloured clothes.
For instance, she was wearing bright orange t-shirt, a purple skirt and a red jumper. Never let it be said that she could not be noticed in a crowd- which is good as I have looked for her in a crowded store once and I could easily see her clothes.
“What do you think of this, Daz?” She asked, coming out of the dressing room in a purple dress.
“On you anything looks good, but this…. It’s absolutely stunning on you” I said. That dress truly looked stunning on her, absolutely amazing.
“You think so?” She asked, not entirely convinced.
“No, I know so honey” Reaching to her and kissing her.
We spent the next half an hour in there, before we headed back to the hotel. Later that night, finger crossed, our dinner at our fancy hotel dining room, would go off without a hitch.
Wiping back the tears, I struggled to continue on with my speech.
“I know that she was popular, the amount of people here is testament to that fact. Some people who are popular don’t care about others, but not our Deb. We often spent most nights with friends of ours, catching up on the good times.
But now, that is gone. Even if I did catch up with you guys, it just wouldn’t be the same without my Deb- that wonderful, vivacious person.”
We spent the night at a beautiful quant restaurant in suburban London; the name of the restaurant and suburb will always be remembered by us; well by me at any rate.
Early that day, we decided to spend a few hours by ourselves; Deb spent them getting a facial, a massage and her whole body down at a beauty spa. On the other hand I spent the day in jewellers; that’s right I was going to propose to her after spending 3 hours searching for the right ring!
We had just finished dessert and were sipping on our red wine, when I decided to bite the bullet and take the plunge.
“Deb, we have known each other for a year now, and in that year we have laughed, cried and enjoyed our time with each other. I love to get up to your beautiful face in the morning, to see your amazing eyes stare into space while you are daydreaming. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I then got down on one knee, slowly opening the box with the engagement ring and seeing the look on Deb’s face.
“Will you marry me?” I said, looking up.
“Of course” she said, as I slipped the ring onto her finger and embraced her to a round of applause in the restaurant.
“The look of her face when she finally realised that I was proposing was priceless. Then, when we embraced to the sound of applause, we both cried with happiness.
We both figured that the good times would keep on rolling, sadly it got cut off.”
“What do you think of this chapel?” Deb asked, showing me another chapel. This one was surrounded by a beautiful garden, absolutely magnificent trees.
“I have an idea Deb” I said, knowing that this was the place for us to marry. “Let’s forget about the chapel and marry in the gardens. As long as we have a beautiful day, the service would be fantastic there.”
“You are so right Darren; god I knew there was a reason why I was marrying you.” She leaned over and we both embraced each other. “I think we are soul mates, I honestly think we know what each other are thinking before we say it.”
Truer words have never been said, and for some reason or another, the words made me cry.
“What’s wrong honey?” She asked, hugging me.
“Nothing the matter, well except for the fact that you are such an amazing philosophiser.” I said, smiling between the tears.
“It was in that moment; were we shared our tears and laughter, as well as the insight that we were soul mates, that I knew that we were perfect. I knew that our love would be perfect for each other, and we were often told that, by all our mates.”
The faces from the pews stared up silently, gazing at me; some were even crying and smiling as they recalled memories as I retold mine to them. I was pleased that they could remember the good times.
“Do you, Deborah Hayes take Darren James to be your husband; through out the good times and bad, love and hate, and to take care of him in times of need?” asked the priest, reading the handwritten vows we made for each other.
“I do” Deb said; as she placed the gold ring on my finger, looking splendid with a full length white skirt and a white lace top, as well as a pure white satin veil. To top it all off, she was crying silent tears of happiness which only I could see, which also set me off.
“And do you, Darren James take Deborah Hayes to be your wife; to comfort her in times of need, to support her when things are bad, to be by her side when she asks for you and most of all; love her for the rest of your life?”
“I do” I replied, producing another ring and slipping it on her finger. Both rings had inscribed on it the message “I love you; together and forever.” Simple but elegant for both of us.
“I know pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride” We then embraced and took our first kiss as a married couple; applause ringing out and doves being released. A wonderful time for us.
“The release of the doves; to us a symbol of peace and love, was the best part of the ceremony. Deb loved the sight of the birds against the backdrop of the blue sky and told me, that she was going to keep the photo of that sight with her everywhere she went when we got back.” I reached into my jacket and pulled out a picture which was folded in two, unfolded it and showed the image.
“Instead, I carry it around with me as a constant reminder. A reminder of the promise Deb made to carry around this picture forever more. Also the promise to always love her.”
We decided to go to Sri Lanka; in particular Galle for a few reasons. Mainly because we were both mad cricket fans (as well as footy) and we knew that Australia had played at Galle a few times, as well the Sri Lankan national museum which detailed archaeological finds and documents on the history of the country.
Anyway, we spared no expense; well our parents actually, and we flew business class over there enjoying the extra leg room and comfortable seats, although we spent most the time talking with each other about our “new” life; one as man and wife.
“You know, I feel different for some reason.” Deb said at one point.
“Really? The only difference that I feel is being more spiritual; with you I can’t help.” I responded, leaning over and kissing her passionately. I loved doing romantic things spontaneously; with Deb you just couldn’t help doing it.
“I feel the same way Dazza, but I also feel something else. Some weird feeling, but I can’t put my finger on it. Anyway, you’re probably thinking that I’m some sort of nut case.”
“I will never think of you as a nut case, but rather as my beautiful new wife who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and we will grow old together. Can you imagine us as two eighty year olds at a retirement village?” I asked, laughing at the image which had formed in my mind.
We both laughed at the image and shortly afterwards Deb fell asleep. I on the other hand, was awake for the entire flight.
I was somehow worried about something, yet excited by everything.
“That feeling that I was feeling was one of apprehension. Although I should have been feeling happy to be next to my wife’s side, I still felt like something to happen. Ironically, on our last day together I felt as carefree as anyone else would.”
“Good Morning” Deb said, leaning into me and kissing on the lips.
Pretty soon we were up and about, ready to spend the day on the beach. Our own day of relaxation.
After breakfast, we went into the hotel beauty spa and decided to treat ourselves to two full body massages; one for each of us. We both liked the hour long massages so much we forked out some more money for another one; after it was our honeymoon and we had to enjoy ourselves.
Most of the morning we spent tanning and we had lunch around 12:00. That lunch that we shared was the last thing we were to share in our lives.
“What’s that?” I asked looking out to the sea, seeing the water recede.
“I don’t know honey” Deb replied as we both moved out of our lounge chairs and stood up, trying to get a better look. Just then we heard someone scream.
“Tidal wave!” A voice with no accent punctured the air loud and crisp.
People started running then, literally for their lives, as we could we this massive wave coming right for us, so tall just flooding the areas behind as we darted down side streets and alleys, dodging incoming traffic.
Looking behind, I could see that Deb had fallen behind a little bit and I rushed back towards her to help, but she screamed out.
“No! Just continue Darren. I’ll make it.”
I continued to move towards her, but then she managed to catch up with me and we continued running. Before long we were in front of the water and we stopped behind a house for protection.
“God, what is that thing?” Deb asked, her chest running up and down, sweat glistening on her forehead and trickling down her shirt.
“I don’t know. I think a tsunami” I replied, then leaned over and kissed her as deep and as hard as I could; scared that the wave would continue to come and we would be separated.
“I love you Deborah” I must have been scared; I usually called her Deb. “You know that? I will love you for the rest of my life and I….”
I could not finish the sentence because we had waited too long; thinking we were safe, but the wave smashed through the house sweeping us in different directions. Just above the sounds of the wave, I could hear Deborah scream something.
“I LOVE YOU!!!” It was yelled at the top of her voice, but I still thought we would see each other.
I woke up in the middle of shambles, covered by glazy mud and water, cuts all down my arms, legs everywhere; I was literally left in my underwear. I could see people with stuff; maybe it was stretchers but I didn’t know and I tried screaming out to them.
“Help me, please!” I managed to croak out, voice hoarse and soar before spewing up water; very salty tasting water.
Thankfully they managed to hear me and helped me out of the damage of what I assumed to be a house; for there was literally no reference to gauge what had been there before “it” happened.
They managed to lay me down on something and that was the last thing I remembered before I passed out.
“The terrible aftermath; the scenes of terror and looks of bewilderment on everyone’s faces; not once in that scene of what I can only describe as carnage, did I think that I wouldn’t see Deb again. What got me through it was the thought of seeing her face again, her beautiful eyes and the wonderful companionship.”
I awoke in a room which I had no idea what it was. Afterwards, I was told that it was a hospital but from that moment I awoke; I thought that I was in Hades. I believed that because of the stinking, wet smell of the rooms and the silence being broken by crying or fanning to help cool the people.
“You’re awake” a voice said next to me, standing up and then looking at me. It was a woman’s voice.
“Yes. Who are you? What happened? Where are we? Where’s my wife?” I shot off in rapid speed.
“Calm down. Now what is your name?” The blonde asked.
“Darren James” I managed to say, eager to hear what happened; desperate to know where my Deb was.
“I’m Jennifer Ellis; I’m from the Australian Consulate. We are in the main Sri Lankan hospital in Galle. There was a wave; a tsunami and it swept people away.”
“Oh fuck! Where’s Deborah? Please tell me that she’s ok” I said, getting really worried now.
“I can find out for you, if you want. I will also get a phone for you, to ring home.”
She shortly left for about ten minutes and asked for a contact number. She rang it and then gave it to me.
“Hello? Mum, Dad its Darren here” I said.
“Oh my goodness!” Mum said. “We thought you were swept away. Are you ok? What about Deb? How is she?”
“That’s the thing mummy, I can’t find her. I’m in hospital; can you come over and help me find her? Please mummy, I don’t want to be alone?” In the middle of this unfolding of my heart, I found myself using my childhood name for my mother; mummy.
“Ok, honey, we will come over” Mum said, and we talked for a few more minutes before we hanged up.
“I’m telling you all this so you know what happened. It is better to know the whole truth then the partial truth and I also hope it helps you to find some understanding of the terrible time we all went through.”
The days in between the phone call and my parents arriving in Sri Lanka were spent in a daze; the only thing that I really did was provide a description of Deb to the consulate.
Then my parents arrived and I cried as I saw someone familiar.
“Honey” My mum said as both she and dad came towards me and embraced me, all of us crying but I myself was also shaking a bit, still in shock from everything.
“Well, son we have gotten your brothers to put up flyers for Deb and we are also looking around in all the hospitals. We heard that some people got taken to Colombo so Tim is there with Gareth. But we are….” Dad could not finish the sentence, he didn’t want to.
“Morgues?” I asked, silently knowing the answer and mouthing it in my mind.
“Yeah” Dad replied and I just nodded my head, knowing that more tears were falling from eyes, going through my muddy cheeks.
“Oh honey” Mum exclaimed, pulling her hanky out of her pocket and trying to rub the mud off my cheek.
This act made me laugh a bit; an act of normality and calmness amongst the tragedy.
“How is everyone?” I asked them.
“Everyone is fine. They’ll all asking about you and Deb” Mum said as Dad mobile phone rang suddenly and he answered it.
“They would like to see us at the morgue” Dad said, as he ended the call.
“I’m coming with you” I said determinedly; starting to pull myself out of the bed.
“No you won’t” Mum said, trying to push me back into my bed. Dad was letting us go like this, figuring it would be good while ringing the other family members who had travelled over here as well.
“She’s my wife!” I screamed a bit louder then normal. “If anyone has to identify her, I will be doing it”
“Let him go Kim. If he wants to, let him as it is his choice.” Dad said.
Five minutes later, we were out and on our way to the morgue. Once there, we were met by my sister Carolyn and her husband Dan, as well as my cousin Paul.
We slowly walked in behind dad; I was being wheeled in a wheelchair due to my leg injuries and we introduced ourself. We were then taken into a smaller room, and there was a body covered by a plastic tarp. I asked the others to leave me, except for Paul and soon there were only us two and the consulate attaché there.
“Ready?” Paul asked, softly.
I simply nodded, and started to pull back the tarp. It revealed the face of Deb; my Deb! On a slab of plastic she was; white face and eyes open; as if she was in shock. I pulled the tap down to her waist and saw that she was topless, and then I looked at her hand. I grabbed the ring off her and left the room.
“It was her” Paul said softly.
Arriving to where the rest of my family was waiting; I simply nodded and bust into tears and just kept on crying for the next few hours and eventually I had to be sedated.
I awoke to darkness; breathing heavily and start wondering where Deb was because she was not next to me in my bed.
“Deb?” I asked, yelling out loud.
A light turned on in the other room and I heard footsteps approaching my room, then the door slowly pushed open.
“Darren? Are you ok?” Paul asked.
“Where’s Deb?” I asked, but then suddenly remembered. The look must have said it all to Paul because he came over and hugged me.
“Why did it happen? Paul, tell me why she was taken from me?” I mumbled softly.
“Darren, I can’t. I honestly can’t simplify them, otherwise it well lesson what you have been through and I don’t want that to happen. Unfortunately, Deb is no longer here with us. But she will be with us here and in hear” Paul pointed to his heart and then his head as he said this.
I nodded quietly, silently crying myself back to sleep.
“It was a beautiful service Darren” a woman said as she kissed me on her way out.
I simply nodded, lost in my own thoughts after being exhausted by my eulogy and looking at Deb’s flamboyant coffin- bright purple and orange. It was topped off with on one side the colours of her favourite AFL team- Adelaide. Orange, yellow and blue.
When we flew back to Melbourne there were cameras everywhere. Everyone was screaming questions at me, so I got my mum to stop pushing my in my wheelchair while I heard a question loud and clear above the rest.
“Did you loose anyone?” A reporter yelled above the dim.
“Yes” I nodded. “I lost my wife of only two days. We were on our honeymoon.”
“What was her name?”
“Deborah Hayes, but she was planning to change her name to James.”
“What’s your name?” another voice yelled.
“Darren James. I…I ….” I couldn’t go on and mum pushed me away from the crowd. I was absolutely exhausted; fatigued everything under the sun I was feeling. I was almost sure that I was really crying big time answering those few questions.
As people continued to file past me out the church, I could see the media outside. Although they were taking pictures of the whole precession and everything else; I have to admit they thankfully kept a respectable distance from us.
From all the media that was in attendance; you think that they wouldn’t have seen anyone grief before. But then in both the media’s eyes and the everyday person’s; the death of 19 Australian citizens in an extraordinary earth shattering and natural occurring event is big news and people would just climb to see the way how those affected it.
Hopefully; I could say that I handled it with poise and determination to my late wife and it was at the spot that I promised never to marry again.
For me; it will be us forever unto eternity.
My cousin; who I had come to lean on a lot since finding out that Deb had passed away, had just addressed the media before I was going to read a statement. I was going to read that out for everyone.
I went out there and shortly began my reading of a statement that I had already prepared.
“On the 26th December 2004; the life of my family, me and my wife all changed irreversibly. For it was only on the 6th day of being married that our partnership and my soul mate was washed away with countless of thousands of others.
Although we had known each other for a year previously; we had only recently decided to become man and wife officially; for us to recognise our partnership in the tradition that our values dictate that we become man and wife before starting a nuclear family.
Funnily enough; it was as we flew over on the plane to Sri Lanka that I had feelings of apprehension. I had this feeling that something bad, sinister really was going to happen and guess what? It did” I paused at this moment to compose myself, but I still continued to cry silent tears.
“Anyway, we had visited what we had wanted to see and were relaxing; surprisingly Sri Lanka had some nice beaches and that was were we managed to find ourselves; catching up on the rays that we couldn’t get here.
We had just finished our lunch and were looking at the sea; when we saw the level recede. Although we had no idea what was happening; we soon found out as we saw this black high thing really; which later turned out to be a wave, approach us as a voice screamed out ‘Tidal wave!’ That voice, with no hint of an accent, was very haunting to this day when I still think about it, it causes me shivers. At this point we started running with the others for our life until we reached a spot where we thought we were safe.
Hiding behind a house, we asked each other what it was but then the waves came smashing through the house, tearing us apart into different directions. The last thing I head from my wife; Deborah was the words “I Love You” at the top of her voice.”
God, it was so painful to tell that story and I cried during the telling of it and the questioning by the media; I used it as both an outlet for my grief and an opportunity to show others that they need not be seen as despondent in times of disaster.
“How are you trying to cope with your grief?” a voice said, half yelling.
“Well, to tell the truth, it has been hard. I have found comfort in the memories that we had shared in the year or so we had known each other; as well as in the writing of Shakespeare. As he once wrote; true love will reach the brink of disaster and will still be there, which is what has happened to me. Deb may not be here next to me physically; but spiritually she is looking down on me and we still love each other.”
Another voice this time.
“Any particular memories that stand out?”
“When I first asked her out; I had only just spotted her five minutes before. She responded to my asking if she was single was that she wasn’t and seeing the look of disappointment on my face; continued to see that it was me that she was seeing. Memories like that will always stick in my mind.”
I paused for a minute, before remembering what Shakespeare wrote in his sonnet and I recited it out loud.
“‘Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks; but bears it out even to the edge of doom.’ That’s what Shakespeare wrote and I want people to know that it is very true.”
I gave up at this point and went back into the house. I just couldn’t stand any more, and I don’t think that Paul could either; we just had to get out of there.
“Are you ok Darren?” Paul asked softly.
I just nodded and snuggled into the blanket on the settee; the one where Deb and I often snuggled while watching a movie; while we talked about our dreams and desires; but most of our we would just chat and enjoy each others company.
It was this that I was going to miss the most.
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